Saturday, February 22, 2014
click here to have mind blown). Scary, isn't it? And to think I wrapped plastic tubes around my body and writhed around like a drunken fish out of water in front of other human beings. Like I said, vanity isn't really my thing, which will probably come in handy when I'm hanging out with my future bestie with some testes, one Mr. Jason Segel, and we are tailed by soulless paparazzi. I will have no problem looking like an idiot on camera in an attempt to keep those stalkers from snapping less than flattering pictures of you scratching your bum or picking your teeth or...whatever it is you do when you think no one is looking. The one thing I will ask for in return, though, is your willingness to have a couple of photos taken of the two of us together. You see, the one picture I own of me with you, my dear friend, was taken several years ago when I weighed about 25 pounds more than I currently do and, while my heart is filled with joy every time I glance at it in the frame with The Great Muppet Caper album cover you signed for me, I look rather puffy and tired. Besides, you're looking much healthier these days too, so it only seems right to have a more accurate representation of our fabulous selves hanging in my TV room. We can enjoy one moment of vanity, I guess, and then promptly return to acting like fools, no matter who happens to be watching.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Monday, November 11, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
- I'm not sure if you're a runner, Jason, but if you ever feel compelled to lace up a pair of Nikes, pull on a pair of yoga pants, and run around the neighborhood, remember this: don't wear a pair of sexy panties under those curve-hugging pants. About 5 blocks away from your house you will come to the painful realization that sexy underwear generally doesn't offer full coverage of one's derriere. For the rest of your run you will think up ways to discreetly dislodge that small strip of black cotton from between your cheeks until you become so frazzled that you stop running completely and give actual consideration to crouching behind a tree so you can go commando. Not a good time.
- If you purchase delightful smelling peppermint body lotion you may want to think carefully about where you apply it. I would avoid, say, any sensitive areas of the body. I obviously have no idea if your lady pillows are as responsive to menthol as mine are, but let's just say it isn't fun feeling like someone has set your boobs on fire.
- Based on conversations I've had with my husband I think it is safe to assume that men don't experience the same loss of bladder control that women do as they age. One day you're turning cartwheels in the front yard, not a care in the world, and the next day you laugh a little too hard at a friend's idiotic joke only to realize you have peed your pants a bit. If, however, you know exactly what I am talking about, Jason, perhaps you'll find an experience I endured a few years back beneficial. It was the end of the school year and the 6th grade team decided it would be great fun for our students to skip class for an hour and play games in the gym. Yay for exercise and all that. One of the stations consisted of two long jump ropes turned by smiling students who were more than willing to help a teacher embarrass herself by encouraging her to show off all of the jaw-dropping jump rope tricks she learned as a wee child. Well, it only took a couple of jumps before I became more concerned about showing off how quickly I could get pee to soak through to my pants. In mid-jump and without one word of explanation I ran off to the staff bathroom to assess the damage. Luckily, my jeans were only mildly damp in the crotch region, although certainly too wet for me to casually saunter back into the gym. Those eagle-eyed tweens would be onto my fashion faux pas in a second. So, I spent the next 15 minutes or so locked in that bathroom, frantically alternating between rubbing my jeans with paper towels and blowing on them. Not my finest moment as an educator.
- This last bit of advice doesn't need much explanation. Let's just say it isn't wise (or romantic) to share certain information with your lover while riding him like a cowgirl in reverse. Specifically, to let him know that the new frozen yogurt shop across the street finally opened...and that the crappy pizza place was finally closing. There's no recovering from such a blunder (although putting your clothes back on and grabbing a cup of delicious fro-yo doesn't hurt).
I think I'll stop there, Jason, even though I've only skimmed the top of my pool of embarrassment. Hopefully my tales of awkwardness and discomfort will save you from making similar humiliating missteps in the future. If only I could have saved you from signing on to a few of the movies you've made. Sigh.