Reason 303

Rebellious behavior. As I strolled around the neighborhood this morning with my dog I thought to myself "Other than that whole masturbating in public thing, I am just like Peewee Herman right now." You probably wouldn't guess it by looking at me, Jason, but I can be pretty wild sometimes. In high school some of my friends and I ran around my school's soccer field topless (in complete darkness so no one spotted a single nip, but still, we were wild, WILD I say!) and just the other day I left work at 2:58, two minutes before teachers are contractually allowed to leave for the day. Well, this morning I decided to crank up the rebelliousness a notch and roam the streets of my sleepy neighborhood sans bra. That's right, I was out in public without mammary support and didn't care who noticed. Sadly, I don't think anyone noticed since we only saw one other person and he was concentrating on breathing regularly so he wouldn't collapse while running up a monster hill. Still, I felt like quite the daredevil with my girls jiggling about under two layers of clothing, and I daresay I'd go bra-free again if a dear friend (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) encouraged me to slip into my sexy little rebel pants. Heck, maybe I'd even "forget" to put underwear on under those pants! Nope, that's pushing things a little too far. A chubby girl going commando can only lead to chafing and nobody wants that.  B-cup and bra-less, though? Count me in.

Reason 302

Guinea Pigs. One of the best things about getting a pedicure is access to trashy celebrity-centric magazines that I normally don't read because I am too cheap to shell out $3-4 to find out that a Kardashian has gained weight or poor Lindsay is back in rehab. Sure, having a woman lovingly shave dead skin off the bottom of my feet is swell and a deep tissue calf massage feels sublime after a long week of schooling children, but neither of these activities is complete without a little Hollywood dirt. Yesterday I was reading one such rag and came across a brief bit of news about you, Jason Segel, my future BFF. Turns out you have come up with an idea for a YA book series about kids overcoming their fears and are shopping it around town. I don't know a ton about book publishing, but you should probably peddle your wares in NYC since the LA publishing world doesn't extend much beyond maps of star's homes. Anyhoo, I'm sure I have mentioned, Jason, that five days a week I teach darling 6th graders about the awesomeness that is reading, attempting to sway them to devour certain titles so that their humdrum lives will finally have purpose and meaning. I am quite the fan of humorous action series, which is apparently what you are attempting to write, and that genre of fiction is deeply loved my most of my students. If you ever need to bounce an idea off of some potential fans or get feedback about a chapter or two, I will happily offer up some classroom time and force my children to submit to a read-aloud. It's the least I can do for such a good friend.