Reason 296

Public humiliation. Despite being a bit fanatical about music I opted out of watching last night’s Grammy awards so I could correct piles of homework while enjoying the sweat and tears of fat people on NBC who are battling it out for a cash prize, confetti falling from the ceiling, and a body that appears overly tanned and a bit too gaunt for my taste. God, how I adore reality TV. I did, however, catch a handful of performances as well as one brief acceptance speech by that cheeky lady from across the pond who has worked everyone into a thither with her melodic album chronicling the heartbreak caused by a man who did her wrong (and, let’s be honest, the man was most likely British and suffered from poor dental hygiene, so she’s better off). No, I’m not talking about Susan Boyle, although I bet she’s cheeky in her own right. Your ubiquitous co-star, Mr. Neil Patrick Harris, presented a humble Adele with the award for Song of the Year and, while she was the picture of class in a chic black dress as she sailed up the stairs to the stage, the moment was shattered when she faced the audience and started chomping away on a piece of gum. Gum! Poor Adele looked like a cow who’d been slipped a plug of chocolate-flavored cud, masticating away, her face contorting in ecstasy as she savored her moment in the spotlight. You can bet your sweet bippy, Jason, that if you are ever nominated for any kind of award, whether it be for Best Chest Hair in a Summer Teen Comedy or the GD Nobel Prize, I will discreetly remind you to spit out your gum, even if that means into my very own hand, before you run screaming up to the podium to nab your statue and do a joyous end zone dance. As much as I adore Adele’s soaring voice and feel akin to her because we are both members of the Chubby Lady Club, I can’t get past her very public gum faux pas, and I would hate to think that one day some fan of yours would be scarred for life because of a similar debacle that could have been prevented if only you and I were friends, Jason Segel. Sheesh.