Reason 286

The male perspective. My best friend Steve is amazing, but he doesn't always answer his phone when I need a bit of advice on inexplicable behavior exhibited by people packing penises. Or is it penie? Anyway, just yesterday I wanted to know, from a dude's perspective, if I could throw away any hope that a certain charming, intelligent and funny man I had been corresponding with on-line would reply to me last email. I sent it a week ago and had heard nary a peep. This gentleman and I had written back and forth at least three times and spent almost an hour IMing, so my obvious reaction to his lack of response was WTF?! Sadly, Steve didn't pick up his trusty iPhone when I attempted to solicit his opinion and I ended up slumped dejectedly on the couch for at least thirty minutes, running possible scenarios as to why the cutey-pie was avoiding me through my head. My first thought was he was trapped under something heavy, which is a line stolen from one of the best romantic comedies ever made, When Harry Met Sally. I concluded this probably wasn't feasible - the man must have been attacked by sharks instead. Well, Steve did call me back (interrupting what had been a fairly festive pity party) and promptly burst my delusional bubble - the man wasn't going to email me back. If he was interested he wouldn't wait a whole week to answer my soul-searching questions, like which direction should toilet paper be loaded (so it pulls from the top, obviously) and whether he condoned the use of excessive condiments. If we were friends, Jason, I would have you on speed dial and any time I needed a testosterone-fueled perspective on the crisis at hand I would ring you up, quick as a bunny, fill you in on all the sordid details of my life, and wait with bated breath to hear your thoughts. Until that day comes I guess I will have to make due with Steve and his sporadic proximity to his cell phone. Please befriend me soon - the fate of my love life rests in your knowledgable hands. That and I wouldn't mind knowing why guys have no qualms about shifting their junk around in public. Really!