Reason 233

The anti-diva. Some celebrities milk their status for all it's worth, confident no one will call them out when they demand hard-to-find foods in their dressing rooms, saunter on to set a few hours late, or terrorize assistants who accidentally paint their dog's toenails the wrong shade of red. No other profession would tolerate such shenanigans, but because of our culture's sick obsession with fame, these folks get the green light to behave like spoiled brats, and unfortunately there isn't a stern British nanny in sight. In the vast amount of research I've conducted on you, though, Jason, I haven't found a single mention of public hissy fits or obscene demands about reporters not making eye contact with you during press tours. In fact, during a recent radio interview you chatted with the DJ about how incredulous you are when you hear about celebrities who use the so-called intense stress of their jobs  as an excuse for screaming at lowly production assistants or publicly disrespecting their fans. What really chaps my hide is the fact that a majority of the folks being splashed across magazine covers for such outlandish behavior aren't even deserving of the public's attention. At least you legitimately earned your fame and may have reason for the occassional insane antic, unlike certain socialites and reality show stars who possess no perceivable talent (no, I don't consider public intoxication or eating fried scorpion a talent). I trust, Jason, that you aren't going to rent a beach house on the Jersey shore or launch a small child into the air via balloon any time soon, so the content of this post should be relevant for years to come. Luckily, you understand that you have a pretty sweet gig where you get paid to play make-believe each day; taking that for granted is definitely not on your to-do list, which is good because if it were I would give you a swift kick in the rear to bring you back to reality. If you ever start dishing out the diva attitude, as your friend it's my duty to knock some sense into you. If I happen to take great pleasure it that particular job, so be it.