Reason 234

Crows. Apparently, the black scavengers are all the rage in today's art scene. How would I know this, you ask? Well, today my mother and I spent hours strolling the aisles of the 64th annual Bellevue Arts Fair and spied at least six different booths showcasing crows in various mediums performing all sorts of non-avian activities. Luckily for this non-crow-loving appreciator of art, there were hundreds of other subjects on display, some of which were awe-inspiring and some of which my three year-old niece would have recognized as banal. This three-day arts festival has been on my summer calendar since I was old enough to walk for more than an hour without whining, and I look forward to checking out over 300 vendors and styles of art each year. The only drawback to attending this shindig are the throngs of people, most of whom are complete morons (crowds are definitely not my bag). Couple this extreme stupidity with high temperatures and I tend to revert back to a petulent child who repeatedly asks when the torture will end so we can duck into the nearby mall for an ice cream cone. This is where you come in, Jason. As my friend, it would be much appreciated if you accompanied me to the fair next year (with my mom in tow, of course) so you could act as my buffer against the hordes of people walking this way and that like confused ants. When I start to grumble about folks stopping smack dab in the middle of a row to chat up a long lost friend you will gently prod me to keep moving and ignore the fool's poor manners. Your mouth shall be quicker than mine in order to hold me back from screaming "Stop taking pictures of the art, you idea thief!" when I see someone whip out their camera for the fourth time. Since you're at least a head taller than me you can also navigate the endless rows, steering us around buffoons walking three abreast and mothers pushing double strollers. In exchange for your patient help you'll get an eyeful of ceramics, textiles and paintings created by folks from all over the country and a scone slathered in raspberry jam from Fischer's, the preeminate producer of scones in the Pacific Northwest. If you sweet talk my mom you might even get two scones! So, don't make any plans for the last full weekend in July next year because you'll be living it up in Bellevue with me and the mama. I bet you haven't had a sweet offer like that in months. Top that, Los Angeles!