Reason 138

Story retirement. I understand that your proud parents and I are probably the only ones who comb through all of your talk show appearances on YouTube and skim every printed interview you give, hoping to glean some new piece of interesting information about both your personal and professional lives, so most folks haven't realized that a few of your stories are starting to wear thin. Yes, your tale of making out with an attractive women sans shirt and having her poke your belly, then giggle and say "Hey, fatty" is funny stuff, but in my estimation you have told that little anectdote at least three times in various TV interviews and its hilarity is starting to ebb. Your sob story about kids teasing you when you were younger by climbing on your back and chanting "ride the oaf" is also comedic gold, but fans can only hear the details so many times before they want to jump on your back and taunt you, too. It may be harsh to hear, Jason, but as your friend it's my duty to let you know when a story has grown stale and to move on. It may be helpful to keep a log of the yarns you spin for the public (a simple Excel spreadsheet should do the trick), so people don't start thinking you're that guy. You know, the one who never realizes everyone has already heard your tale and is oblivious to the eye rolls and smirks being thrown your way when you launch into the naked breakup story yet again. We've all seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall; it's time to move on. I'm just trying to save you some embarrassment, Jason. Really, you should be thanking me.