a note...

I leave tonight for San Francisco to see Jason perform as part of Sketchfest. I am not taking my laptop, so there won't be any posts until Monday. Hopefully, I will have some great pictures and stories to share with everyone.

Reason 59

Compatible star signs. You, my friend, were born in the Age of Aquarius. I am a fiery Leo. Apparently, these two astrological beings get along quite well. That statement has absolutely no basis in the actual Zodiac calendar, so don't start freaking out about my perceived new age tendencies. I make that assertion based solely on the fact that some of my closest friends and favorite people in the world are Aquariuses. Wait, is it Aquariui? Maybe Aquariums? Anyway, If I get along famously with other January babies, it only makes sense that you and I would get along swimmingly. Yes, that pun was intended. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

A very happy birthday to Chris, a truly fabulous Aquarius!

Reason 58

Dancin' machines. That's right - we both know how to shake our tail feathers, our money makers, what our mamas gave us, and all the other horrible dance cliches out there. Your white boy moves are brilliant enough to have been featured in episodes of HIMYM and Freaks & Geeks (R.I.P.) and, while mine haven't been featured anywhere except my living room and occasionally the uber swanky Century Ballroom, I swear I can hold my own out on the dance floor. I have taken tap, ballet, swing and lindy hop classes, and once upon a time I performed as a very convincing poodle by donning a blue tutu upon my head. Hmmm, I think I still own that tutu. From what I've heard, the latest dance craze sweeping the hipster Seattle set appears to be square dancing, so maybe you and I can do-si-do if you ever make it up north. I'll even wear that tutu, Jason.

ah, yeah - check out the clip of Jason gettin' down on Freaks & Geeks

Reason 57

Exploitation. Or, rather, the comple lack thereof. I get that you are relatively famous, Jason, and I have noticed more and more stories about your crazy exploits popping up on the Interwebs, so there must be a market for salacious tidbits about your life, but I honestly would never succumb to the tabloids and sell tittilating gossip about you. I like to think that, even as a person with no religious affiliation, I have morals, and I am pretty darn sure I would never sell out one of my nearest and dearest. Of course, if you are in desperate need of publicity and want me to generate some baby mama sob story, I am happy to oblige, but it would pain me deeply to do so.

Reason 56

Use of the term 'best friend'. When I Love You, Man came out you sat through a number of interviews in which the reporter asked about your relationships with the men in your life. Time and time again you mentioned Brian Lind (sorry if I spelled that wrong), your best friend since the age of 12, who lived with you up until a few months ago when he left for medical school. I always liked that, without hesitation or embarrassment, you called Brian your best friend, even though preteen girls seemed to have cornered the market on that phrase. I too have a best friend, an amazing man I have known since college who makes me laugh, challenges me constantly (in a good way), and is my equal when it comes to verbal sparring. As a 32 year-old woman I sometimes feel awkward referring to Steve as my best friend, but I think I'll take a cue from you and scoff at the shroud of shame attached to that superlative. He is my best friend, dammit, and I am lucky to have him.

Happy 33rd birthday, Steve!

Reason 55

Stress-free traffic companion. Now, I have spent a fair amount of time in your hometown of Los Angeles and one thing I always associate with my travels there is the traffic. As your friend I am sure I will have many opportunities to sit in that traffic with you, and I assure you that I will never get frustrated with the idiot drivers who slow down for no apparent reason and back up I-5 for days. Occasionally I may call someone a fuck head for weaving in and out of lanes, trying in vain to get ahead of everyone, but really just ending up exactly where they started. That moment of frustration will pass as quickly as it comes, though, and I will return to exuding a sense of calm and harmony that will envelop us until we arrive at our destination.

Reason 54

My students. I spend my days teaching 6th graders about the joys of reading. Now, if you have ever met an 11 year old you know that they can be highly entertaining, intentionally or not. Just imagine what occurs when 30 of them are in a small room together. That's right - hilarity ensues. As your friend, Jason, I will gladly regale you with stories from the teaching trenches that will make you guffaw, gasp and groan. Why, just the other day one of my students rushed into the room next door, shrilly screaming "Oh, my God! The horror!" Of course, the two teachers there immediately thought there was an emergency. Nope. Turns out the student had witnessed my portly substitute teacher scratching her bum. When asked why he was even looking at her rump, the student replied "It was right in front of my face. I couldn't look away!" Poor thing is probably scarred for life. One of my favorite stories to tell centers around me unintentionally telling the whole class F. U. That one will have to wait until we're in the same room, though. It's much more effective with hand gestures.

Reason 53

Spontaneity. I like to think of myself as a fairly spontaneous person, although sometimes I need a little push to get there. In high school I had a wonderful friend named Michelle who made me feel daring and confident. One night we were hanging out on our school's soccer field with some guys we were crushing on when we both decided to whip off our shirts and run a lap in the moonlight, whooping like banshees. I keep that memory tucked away in the back of my mind and access it when I need to tip the scales of spontaneity. Like now. Yesterday I found out you are performing as part of Sketchfest in San Francisco on January 30, a mere week away. Now, any sane person would think "huh, it would be cool to see Jason Segel live, but the 3,000 mile trip seems a tad excessive." Lucky for you, Jason, I am anything but sane. Driving for 12 hours on Friday, enjoying the City by the Bay on Saturday, and turning around to drive another 12 hours back to Seattle on Sunday seems like just my cup of tea (metaphorically, of course, since I don't like hot liquids - see Reason 51). Don't you want a friend who occasionally throws caution to the wind and who is willing to drive 3,000 miles to see you? Spontaneity, Jason. Ya' dig?

Reason 52

Scarecrow Video. There is a little slice of movie heaven a few blocks away from University of Washington called Scarecrow Video. It rents almost every film ever made in the U.S. and has extensive sections devoted to movies from other countries as well. This is not your typical rental place, Jason. It is two levels of cinematic glory, divided into unique categories like Director, Heist, Buddy Comedy, Werewolf...pretty much every genre you can think of. Legend has it that Roger Ebert occasionally flies into town, books a hotel room for a weekend and spends the entire time watching impossible-to-find movies from Scarecrow. Quentin Tarantino walked miles from downtown Seattle to this movie mecca in search of something that could not be found in L.A. The first time I went there I ended up wandering the shelves and shelves of movies for almost two hours, gleefully shrieking every time I spotted a gem from my childhood that Blockbuster would never carry. They rent The Electric Grandmother. Need I say more?! Lucky for you, I have a membership and I'd be more than happy to hook you up next time you're in town.

Scarecrow's Website

Reason 51

Supertaster. Yeah, you read that right, Jason - I am a Supertaster. No, that doesn't mean I taste really super (though I've never had any complaints). It means I am, um, a tad more discerning than most when it comes to food. For years I thought I was just a picky eater, but apparently there have been actual scientific studies done around peeps like me who are overly sensitive to food's texture, smell and taste. Those science folks actually call us Supertasters (makes me feel like a superhero - awesome!), so once we're friends you can brag that you know a real life food freak. I'm not a fan of salt, most condiments, anything that smells strange, dishes that require more than 5 major ingredients, hot liquids...the list goes on and on. The good news for you is this is the only high maintenance thing about me (I swear), and I will never want to go to a swanky restaurant. Yep, I am one cheap date.

Supertaster Info

Reason 50

National support. Have you seen the latest issue of "Entertainment Weekly," Jason? In case you missed it, there is a letter from yours truly in the Feedback section about this very blog. That's right - "EW" supports us becoming friends. Why else would they choose to spotlight my letter from the 8 or 9 they get every week? It would be horrible for you to disappoint the entire staff of a well-respected magazine like "Entertainment Weekly." I mean, if you piss them off you may never get another interview again. Are you willing to risk your career by not becoming my friend? Let's hope not.

Reason 49

Birthdays. A very happy 30th birthday to you, Jason! As your (future) friend I promise to always remember your birthday and send you the funniest cards the greater-Seattle area has to offer. I've always been a bit enamored with the idea of birthdays, even though as I get older I don't much care how I celebrate mine. There's just something incredible about the fact that people are born and then evolve into someone completely unique. There is so much potential in one life; it's a tad overwhelming at times.

Well, that's enough philosophy. How about a funny birthday anecdote? Many moons ago at a party celebrating my birth we decided to have a water balloon toss competetion. People paired up and one person from each team had to close their eyes to choose a water balloon - open eyes can lead to choosing a smaller balloon that won't pop so easily. My mother held the tub of balloons and one of my dear friends, and perennial crushes, who lived across the street reached tentatively for a balloon. His aim was a little off and he ended up with a handful of my mother's breast insted. Being the unflappable woman that she is, my mother simply said "Ryan, that isn't a balloon." We teased him about that for years. Oh, the joy of being an adolescent.

Reason 48

My wisdom. A little over two years ago I turned 30, which we all know is the gateway to being back in diapers and spending time at a retirement home where we can be neglected by our ungrateful children. At least, that's what you'd think if you spent any time with my 6th grade students who think 32 is pretty ancient. I have found, however, my 30's to be immeasurably better than my 20's, and I am willing to impart any wisdom I have gleaned from the last 2 years with you, Jason, seeing as how you turn the big 3-0 tomorrow. Yes, you may hear your knees cracking every time you squat down to pick something up and you may forgot why you wandered into a room, but I bet you will also become more creative, witty and passionate about life (since you've lived over a third of yours now). Since I turned 30 I have become a much better teacher, written a screenplay, signed up for a variety of interesting classes, gone on more dates, become a fabulous auntie, traveled out of the country, finished a half-marathon, and started one helluva charming and quirky blog. Not too shabby for an old lady.

Reason 47

Seattle. When I talked to you on the phone you revealed you have never visited the glorious Emerald City. For shame! I have lived outside of Seattle for most of my life and it is so incredible that I can't imagine living anywhere else (except maybe New York for a year). Since I have explored so much of the city I make an excellent tour guide and would be more than happy to take you to all the funky shops, inspiring outdoor art installations, bustling farmers' markets, and cozy coffee houses (I'm not talking about Starbucks, sir) that the city has to offer. A few required stops throughout our journey include the giant troll and statue of Lenin in Fremont, Archie McPhee's (a store that you must see to believe), Theo Chocolates for some tasty treats, Pike Place Market, a ferry ride across Puget Sound, and the Experience Music Project for the architecture and some jam time.So, go ahead and clear a week or so in your schedule, Jason, and book a flight up north. Be sure to pack a rain coat and leave the umbrella at home. No self-respecting Seattleite ever uses a bumbershoot.

Reason 46

Games. I just love me some card and board games. My speciality is word games, but I am almost always up for some game playing action. The problem is I can rarely find anyone who is willing to play a game or two with me. Years ago I worked at a group home for juvenile sex offenders and one day when I asked a kid to play a board game with me he just looked at me sadly and said "You always want to play games with us. Is it because you didn't have any friends as a child?" Ouch. No, I had a whole gaggle of friends in my formative years, thank you. I do admit to being overly competitive at times, though, which could explain some thin-skinned people's reticence to play with me, but I promise I'll go easy on you the first couple times we play Cranium or Trivial Pursuit. Don't expect me to back down during Scrabble, though. I plan on coming out with my triple word score guns blazing.

Reason 45

Punctuality. Some say it's a blessing, some a curse, but either way I am almost always on time, if not early. I'm that annoying friend who arrives to the party at the time written on the invitation, while you are still hanging streamers and pulling cheese dip out of the oven. Sometimes I try to be late to events just so I won't be the first one there, but even if I arrive late I am still the first guest, which is like arriving on time anyway. The good news is I will never keep you waiting, and on those very rare occasions in which I am running behind, I will always call or text to let you know about the circus caravan that crashed and whose elephants are blocking all lanes of traffic or the small child who was stuck in a tree and needed me to rescue him. Despite my penchant for punctuality I am pretty laid back when it comes to others arriving late...as long as you don't make it a habit, Jason.

Reason 44

Farmville neighbors. Despite my wariness at some forms of technology (see Reason 40), I have fallen down the Facebook rabbit hole, gleefully posting daily status updates, sharing vacation pics with my network of friends, and spending way too much time playing the ridiculously addictive FarmVille. What really irks me, though, is the game's refusal to let me expand my farm until I have another neighbor. What's the point of slaving away, tilling the soil and planting crops to amass hundreds of thousands of dollars if I can't actually spend the virtual cash to make my farm even bigger? This is where you come in, Jason. Here are your instructions for the night: 1. Cut a hole in a box. Wait, that's a different set of instructions. Ok, 1. Email me for my real name 2.Log on to Facebook  3.Conduct a thorough search for me 4. Send me a friend request 5.Wait with bated breath for me to approve said friend request 6.Send me a FarmVille neighbor request 7.Dance a happy jig around your living room when we become neighbors, knowing that you have made this lady extremely happy. I don't think this is too much to ask, do you? I even promise to send you the occasional cow, pear tree or seasonal fireworks display.

Reason 43

Reality TV. A few years ago the television landscape in America changed forever when the whole country got swept away by Richard Hatch's naked body and Susan Hawk's venomous words on "Survivor." Since then a few other reality shows, some brilliant, some appalling, have clawed their way into viewers' hearts. Now, I won't admit this to just anyone, but since we're friends, Jason, I feel comfortable telling you that I am a bit of a reality TV whore. I'm certainly not up to Kathy Griffin par, but almost everything I TiVo happens to be a reality show. I say bring on the top models, morbidly obese and aspiring designers. Make way for vindictive girlfriends, bicurious fame mongers and long-forgotten celebrities who desperately want to make a buck or two. I won't judge you, Jason, if you hunger for Tool Academy or take delight in the vapidness of the Girls Next Door. Do know, however, that once you turn 30 you are no longer allowed to savor any show on MTV. It just isn't respectable.

As a side note, I did catch the 100th episode of HIMYM, despite it not being anchored in "reality," and enjoyed it immensely. Your leprechaun voice may haunt me for weeks, though.

Reasons 41 & 42

Pee and magic. Yes, dear readers, this is a twofer, so hold onto your hats. Jason, you gave a splendid interview on The Late, Late Show on Friday. You were funny, engaging, honest and vulnerable. You told a highly amusing, if not a little bit heartbreaking, story about being in the magic store at Disneyland when you were ten. This little tidbit is Reason 41. I already wrote about our mutual affection for the Happiest Place on Earth. What I didn't know until your interview is both of us have a soft spot in our hearts for the magic shop there. I was always fascinated by the gizmos in the store and lusted after the flash paper in the display case under the counter. There was a similar store at Pike Place Market when I was growing up and I always dragged my mom into it so I could ogle the magical merchandise. The embarrassing event that transpired in the magic shop that day is Reason 42. Your parents had told you stay there while they went shopping and, being an obedient middle child, you didn't leave, even though you had to pee like a race horse. You ended up doing the pee pee dance over to the back corner and let loose, making a puddle on the floor. As casually as you could you sauntered away from the evidence, staking out a different area of the store since you still couldn't leave. Sadly, a woman in a wheelchair was wheeled over to the pee-tastic area and a clerk called for clean up thinking the woman had peed herself. As I was listening to you tell this story the notion that we are kindred spirits was reinforced because I also peed my pants in public when I was ten. I had gone to a golf course with my dad and brother. It was my first time at an actual course and I had no concept of how large it was. Well, we had made it out to the 8th or 9th hole and I really had to pee. We didn't have a golf cart and the clubhouse was easily a mile away (at least in my 10 year old brain). I didn't want to take care of business in the woods because that wasn't something girls did unless they were camping in the wilderness. Well, I ended up wetting my pants and had to waddle all the way back to the car with a giant stain on my crotch. I haven't been back on a golf course since. It wasn't until years later watching "Billy Madison" that I felt at peace with my accident. After all, "Peein' your pants is the coolest." I do have a more recent peeing my pants story, but that will have to wait for a face-to-face meeting.

interview with Craig Ferguson - long, but hilarious

Reason 40

Just say no to Twitter. I admit to being a bit behind the times when it comes to technology. I actually use my cell phone to talk to people and didn't own a computer until last year because I didn't think I needed one at home. I have no plans to buy a Blu-Ray player or convert all of my VHS tapes to DVD. Sometimes I even send hand-written cards to people instead of corresponding via email (gasp!). What all this means is I completely support your decision to not jump on the Twitter bandwagon and tweet every glorious, celebrity-centric move you make. Besides, other than me, who really wants to read 140 characters about you playing with puppets at three in the morning?

Reason 39

Degrassi: Next Generation. Back in the day there was a little-known Canadian TV show called Degrassi Junior High. Growing up in Seattle, which is pretty darn close to our northern neighbor, I caught the occasional episode on the Canadian channel and was smitten by the honesty, humor and respect brought to teenage issues. Ok, I admit to digging the accents too. Luckily for me, and thousands of other 30-somethings who haven't quite grown up, a new version of the show has been airing for nine seasons and Netflix makes it possible to watch every season without having to subscribe to TeenNick or make an embarrassing trip to Blockbuster. Tonight I will fall into a delightful teen angst coma and savor disc one of the new season. Jason, you are welcome to watch with me any time and I swear I won't spill your dirty little, Degrassi-loving secret. On a different note, I really don't understand how I can still be single...

Reason 38

Similar work schedules. One of the perks of being a teacher is the numerous vacations I get in order to recharge my brain/body and avoid going insane from spending 40 hours a week with 11 year olds. As an actor on a hilarious and successful sitcom, your work schedule seems to mirror mine a bit. You get a chunk of time off in the summer while HIMYM is in reruns (sorry, I couldn't resist the picture) and a couple of weeks off around Solstice/Hanukkah/Christmas/ Kwanzaa/New Year's to sit around your mansion wishing your friends with "normal" jobs could come over and play. Well, you are in luck because my job is completely abnormal and I will most likely be available to hang out with you any day from June 21 to late August and at random times during the school year when I get a day or two off for something called Professional Development (hah!). The 3,000 miles or so between us may put a kink in this plan, but I'm sure we can come up with a solution. Hmm, all hot shot actors have private jets, right?

Reason 37

New music. From what I have heard and read about you, we have very similar tastes in music and are both huge music lovers. I always say a day without any music is a day that isn't worth living. If we are ever driving together (and I know we will be because that's what friends do), don't expect me to turn off the radio/CD/iPod. Anyhoo, I bet there are bands you listen to that I'm unfamiliar with and I would love to introduce you to some of my favorite groups that may be under most people's radars. That picture over there is of Pink Martini, an incredible Portland, Oregon band that I have been following since college (wow, that makes me feel old). If you don't know their music, finish reading this entry and then zip on over to the nearest music store to pick up all of their albums. Or download them since it is 2010, afterall. Hmm, do record stores even exist any more? I also recommend Paris Combo for when you're in the mood for some upbeat, French pop music (and when aren't you, really?), Leslie Hall if you want to listen to some hilarious, home-grown rap by a woman who is obsessed with bedazzled sweaters, Free Design for incredible 1970's harmonies and silly lyrics (a song about kites? I kid you not), and Bitch & Animal, a Brooklyn duo whose music can't be categorized. What would you recommend I check out, Jason?

Pink Martini site

Reason 36

Peter Sellers. So, since I started this lovely blog I have taken to trolling YouTube for videos of interviews with you, Jason, in an attempt to find out why exactly we should be friends. I can't believe this is what my life has become...but I digress. The other night I was listening to a radio interview you did before "I Love You, Man" was released in which you mentioned watching the episode of the Muppet Show where Peter Sellers hosted and sang a rousing ditty called "Cigarettes and Whiskey" about the negative effects of smoking, drinking and canoodling with wild, wild women. When I heard this my mouth almost fell to the floor because a few months ago I referenced that very song in a Facebook status update. I had watched that episode with my Muppet-loving, 3-year old niece and had Peter's song stuck in my head for hours afterward. Of all the episodes you could have referenced, you chose one I had just watched. Get out of my head, Jason Segel! And then call me so we can watch this Muppet Show episode together.

Cigarettes and Whiskey clip - you know you wanna' watch it

Reason 35

Poker. Apparently, I don't know when to hold 'em or when to fold 'em. I am a crappy poker player, which means if we played together you would almost be guaranteed to win some of my hard-earned moolah. For the past three years or so I have gotten together with a motley group of poker friends every few months and, without fail, I return home with either nothing or a measley dollar or two in my pocket. We played last night and I didn't win a hand for over an hour, returning home with a whopping $4. Fortunately, there is only a ten dollar buy in, so a few hours with these card sharks doesn't break the bank, but I would still like to know what victory tastes like. If you are ever in town and want to play a little Texas Hold 'Em I'm sure I could cajole my friends into playing with you. Be prepared for some strange topics of conversation, though. Last night our talk ran the gamut, from tea bagging and Shamwows to the upcoming Muppet movie and  vampire-whale pornography. Um, don't ask.

Thanks for a good time last night, Chris, Connie, Matt X 2 and Misty!

Reason 34

Healthtronics. At first I couldn't understand why you would be involved with a urological equipment company. But, after doing some further research, I came across your version of Healthtronics and was delighted to see it had nothing to do with peeing. I whole heartedly agree with every tenet of the program and admit my heart raced when I read them because they mirror my life so completely (further proof we should be friends, my good man). For those 6 readers out there who are unfamiliar with Healthtronics, let me enlighten you (the explanations are mine, not Jason's).

1. The camera doesn't lie. In other words, take care of your health (whether you are being filmed or not). This tenet is my least favorite, although it is probably the most important. I mean, it would be hard to follow the other tenets if I were dead.
2. Be kind. I've always believed a person gets much further by being kind than by being an ass...and it just feels better.
3. Pursue your passion with vigor. I absolutely love teaching and pursue it passionately. If you are not fortunate enough to be doing something you are passionate about, I weep for you. Find something that makes you excited to get up in the morning and then do it!
4. Don't hate, congratulate. I think this one connects nicely to #2. Be happy for those who find success and happiness, and eventually those things will come your way, too. I also appreciate that it rhymes - yes, I am a complete dork.
5. Control your breathing. I think this can be interpreted broadly. When I am exasperated with kids at work, I stop and breathe deeply (or make them take deep breaths) and immediately gain better perspective on the situation. I hear breathing helps during labor, too, but don't take my word for it. Hah! That totally makes me think of Reading Rainbow. Oh, Levar Burton, I adore you.

I will help you spread your good word, Jason. Put me down for one Healthtronics t-shirt and bumper sticker.

Healthtronics article

Reason 33

The Sound of Music sing-along. You may not know it, but Seattle is very supportive of musical theater. Hairspray and Shrek premiered here, and almost every year the major theater downtown hosts a little something called the Sound of Music Sing-Along. In fact, it happened today. Basically, a bunch of musical-loving geeks, like me, raptly watch the epic film and sing along with every song. We clutch little sprigs of eidelweiss in our hands and shake swatches of ugly curtain fabric in the air. There is almost nothing that makes my heart happier than being with over 1,000 people, hissing at the Baroness, booing at the Nazis, and swooning when the Captain finally reveals his love to Maria. Before the movie starts there is a costume parade across the stage and this year I marched proudly as "raindrops on roses." I know you are jealous, Jason, but I promise you can go with me next year. Start thinking about your costume now - no nuns or goat herds allowed; they are just too easy.

Shout out to Tamara for going with me - you are one of my favorite things!

Reason 32

No New Year's resolutions. I don't think I have made a resolution in at least 10 years. I never understood why people felt they had to wait for a special day to change something in their lives. If you want to change something, just do it. This means you will never have to listen to me complain about not losing weight or skipping out on the gym, which seem to be on everyone's resolution list. What I have done the last few years, however, is created a list of things I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Some past goals include getting a passport and leaving the country (check and check - London is lovely), particpating in a half-marathon (check - walked the whole thing with mom in tow), and finally getting aroud to writing a screenplay (check - it only took 5 days and is one of my proudest accomplishments). I'm not sure what will make it onto this year's list, although I'm sure meeting you will be toward the top. And, by the way, I will fully support your resolution to work out less. You're right, 6 to 7 hours a day at the gym is ludicrous.