Reason 280

Irony. The first time I remember explicitly learning about irony was in a middle school english class, although I'm sure I had unknowingly been on the receiving end of the cruel literary device many times prior to that lesson. Mrs. Moeschler, my inspiring Language Arts teacher, confided to the twenty pubescent girls in my class that she had recently searched frantically in her purse for a pen to write out a check at the grocery store, but instead of pulling out a writing implement, she extracted a slender feminine hygiene product, completely mortifying the young male cashier. According to Mrs. M, irony was a result or occurence that was the opposite of what was expected - in her case, a tampon instead of a classic Bic. Not the best example, but it seemed to resonate in my 12 year-old brain. Since that day in 7th grade I've experienced my fair share of irony (and not in a puffy kitty cat t-shirt kind of way like all the hipsters hanging out in Seattle), cultivating almost an appreciation for those unexpected awkward moments. In fact, irony came knocking at my door just last night. Remember the man I mentioned I was dating a few posts ago? Well, we finally locked lips the other night and it was the complete opposite of sexy. Both of us were nervous and awkward and there was zero chemistry, despite the fact that our compatibility is off the charts. I had a sneaking suspicion that sparks wouldn't fly, but still held out hope I had found the lid to my pot as if my life was a cheesy sitcom or something. To ease some of the disappoint I assumed my date felt (because who wouldn't want to make out with me?!), I delivered a sweet card to his door two days later that contained a list titled "Things I Totally dig About You." Originally, I was going to call it "Things That Matter More Than Making Out With You" - this, in retrospect, probably should've tipped me off to the fact that I was completely ambivalent about doing unspeakable acts with this guy. Also, not a single item on the list reference physical traits; they were things I would appreciate about any cool friend. The night after the card delivery the boy and I went for a run around Greenlake, followed by a stop for frozen custard (gotta' replenish those lost calories!), and he confessed that, while he appreciated the card and thought it very sweet, his feelings for me weren't nearly as strong - he just didn't feel any physical connection. Ouch. And that, my friends, is what we call irony, the story of my life. So, Jason, you can definitely count on me to empathize when you step in a big ol' pile of irony or the unexpected smacks you in the face. I'll even tolerate a short pity party if it will make you feel better. Just promise me you won't attempt to write a song about it. The genius of Alanis can never be surpassed...don't you think?