Reason 246

Accident prone. I'm pretty sure no one has ever described me as graceful (well, maybe when I'm on the dance floor and my mojo's set to high). I constantly drop small objects, bump into furniture, and trip over invisible cracks in the sidewalk. In high school I managed to slip down a couple of stairs and sprain both my ankles, and one of the high points of my college career was falling up a set of stairs twice in one day and having another student, who had witnessed both events, question me about my motor skills. If someone followed me around with a video camera I bet I could rake in big bucks on "America's Funniest Videos" (by the way, why is that show still on?!). My body is covered in a parade of cuts, scrapes and bruises because of my clumsiness. I'm sure during the summer months when more of my skin is exposed to the general public there are strangers who think I'm a battered woman. At least, I'm going to assume that's the reason for all those pitying looks. Why, just this morning in the shower I noticed a purple and yellow bruise about the size of a tennis ball on my left knee. Absolutely no idea how I earned that particular badge of ambulatory obliviousness. There is a bright spot to all this pain and awkwardness, though. My lack of grace makes everyone around me look like Baryshnikov in comparison. People will be awed by your fluidity when we walk down the street together, Jason. Strangers will mistake you for an Olympic-level ice skater or internationally ranked ballroom dancer and gaze at me in wonder, stumped as to why you're spending time with a spastic accident-prone gal like me. All I ask in exchange for this adoration, Jason, is that you take a break from those gob-smacked fans to help me up off the ground or dislodge my foot from that pesky hole. Then you can return to gliding down the street, teen girls swooning as you pass.