Reason 268

Deep, dark secrets. Since we are going to be the closest of friends some day soon, Jason, I think it's only right to embark on our little friendship adventure with full disclosure. I'm sure you're thinking "Hasn't this woman shared enough personal information already?!" and, while that's true (at least according to my mother), I did something a few days ago that is weighing so heavily on my soul that I must confess it to my future BFF. I am a murderer. On Tuesday night I was sauntering home from bar trivia, where Joe Lies placed 8th (so awesome!), when the unthinkable happened. As I smugly trotted up the stairs to the condo where I am cat sitting I heard a terrible crunching noise from beneath my right foot. Since dried out leaves have been littering the sidewalks for the past few weeks I assumed I had simply stepped on a considerably large leaf. It wasn't until the next morning when I left for a haircut that I saw evidence of the death and destruction I had been a party to. Smack dab in the middle of a step was a large black smear sprinkled with tiny bits of shell. That's right. I had committed snailicide. My heart dropped when I realized that for the first time in my life I had snuffed out the life of a creature other than an insect and, despite the fact that the murder was unintentional, I still felt great remorse. It has been three days since that fateful night and the inky stain is still there, a constant reminder of the pain I probably caused an entire snail family. The other gastropods that haunt the steps shoot me dirty looks every time I pass by and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before they invade my dreams, attacking my body and leaving slime trails as retribution for their loved one's death. This post is my penance, and I know the guilt I feel will stick with me for days or even weeks to come (most likely until that damn spot is gone). So, Jason, I hope you (and snails everywhere) can forgive me. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there - watch your step because you never know what kind of icky creature will be loitering on the sidewalk and you don't want to suffer the way I have.