Reason 259

Personal kryptonite. Everyone has those one or two things that drive them so up the wall they want to commit hari kari whenever they think about them and, since we're going to be bosom buddies, Jason, it's only right that I share my particular weaknesses with you. Of course, I do so assuming you won't abuse this information and senselessly torture me whenever I get on your nerves. Ok. Deep breath. Wal-Mart. That's right, I cannot think about that store without having a negative physical reaction. At this moment I am scratching my face and arms furiously because just typing the name of that awful place makes my skin act up. In fact, K-Mart elicits the same reaction. Perhaps it's any kind of mart that is dirty, smells strange and treats their employees like slaves (allegedly, as Kathy griffin would say - no law suits needed here, folks). Growing up we didn't have a Wal-Mart nearby and the K-Mart always seemed a little strange to my mom, so we tended to shop at the local mall, which opened a Target in my early teens (hallelujah!). My affliction didn't make itself known until high school. The summer I turned sixteen I stayed with a friend for two weeks who lived in a small Lousiana town where Wal-Mart was seen as high-end shopping and I discovered my bizarre malady. When Sara Beth pullled into the football-field parking lot it took all of my self-control to unhook my seatbelt and walk into that soul-sucking atmosphere. I didn't care which celebrity-endorsed products they carried or how inexpensive the school supplies were (and that's saying a lot), I was not about to fork over my parents' hard-earned money for a Martha Stewart sheet set that made me break out in hives. Wow, I literally can't stop scratching my body while typing this so I better wrap it up. Just know, Jason, that I will never, ever ask you to shop at Wal-Mart, and that if we're driving down the street and I start rubbing my neck or am making odd faces from attempting to stifle my itchy skin, some kind of mart must be in the vicinity. If you stop there, I will bludgeon you with the car's first aid kit. You've been warned.