Reason 101

Gum. I have long been a fan of bubble gum. It started when I was a wee child chewing on wads of Big League Chew the size of my fist. Then came my love affair with grape-flavored Bubble Yum, a short-term romance with Juicy Fruit, and a blossoming of affection for tiny bricks of Bazooka Joe that could chip your teeth and whose comic could always be relied upon for an eye roll or chuckle. I also hold a special place in my heart for original cinnamon Dentyne because throughout my childhood my mother always stashed a pack in her purse, and I always thought it was the perfect after-dinner gum when we dined at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Sadly, that kind of Dentyne is no longer produced, leaving me the option of sucking on a cheap mint that's been sitting in a bowl on the hostess counter for months or offending friends and family with my cheesy-bean breath. Over time my desire for gum has waned a bit and I find myself yearning for only half a stick of chewy goodness at a time. Every morning after savoring my double-chocolate Costco muffin (a little piece of heaven after 19 seconds in the microwave), I brush my teeth, tear a stick of Double Mint gum in half, and proceed to chomp on it until I get to work so my darling students won't have to suffer if I accidentally invade their personal bubble. What this means for you, Jason, is I almost always have half a stick of gum to share and I will happily do so with you. Sure, it's nearly impossible to blow a bubble with half a piece, but you still get the benefit of the flavor and gummy experience without looking like a masticating cow, which isn't sexy on anyone. Just promise me you won't ask for a piece before doing a televised interview or presenting some important award. I refuse to be a party to such disgraceful social etiquette.