Reason 155

Dates. When it comes to dating, my track record is not too hot. It's not that I am some socially awkward recluse, holed up in my condo building dioramas of favorite scenes from 80's movies (although that does sound like a pretty kick-ass time), or an overly aggressive she-devil who lures men into my web and then devours them (metaphorically, of course). Honestly, I just haven't been motivated to spend hours seeking out funny, intelligent, kind men in their early 30's who live within a 30-mile radius and know the difference between there, their and they're. Teaching seems to take up a considerable amount of time and energy, and when you mix in commitments to my friends and family, writing this fabulous blog, playing games on FaceBook, and watching Glee, just the thought of dating makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep for days. Even though I seem to go on a lot of first dates with unimpressive men (yep, jobless, carless and living with roommates when you're 37 is pretty hot), I do think I am a fairly good judge of character when it comes to people my friends date. Last year when I met the woman my best friend had been dating for three months I immediately knew she was not the peanut butter to his jelly and he broke up with her three days later (not at my urging mind you, although if he asked for my opinion I would've told him to cut and run the minute they arrived back in San Diego). In high school, I was notorious for setting classmates up with the decent guys in my neighborhood, and after college I accurately predicted how many years a certain marriage would last. What this all means for you, Jason, is that I will be more than happy to screen all of your dates, providing you with ample feedback about each lady's pros and cons, before you find yourself in a monogomous relationship that rivals Jon and Kate's. My tolerance for bullshit is pretty low, so I think I'll have an easy time spotting the women who want to hang on your arm simply because you're a celebrity and those who are genuinely interested in all of your amazing qualities. I won't even charge you for my services, unlike some other matchmakers out there. All that I ask is, when I do introduce you to the woman of your dreams, you name your first born child after me. A small price to pay for true love, I think.