Reason 172

Ponytails. This morning I went for a run in the neighborhood and saw at least three dudes of varying ages sporting ponytails. I felt like I was playing one of those carnival games where objects plastered in bullseyes jump out from behind scenery, but I didn't have an air rifle to shoot off those bushy bunches of hair springing forth from the napes of these guys' necks. I don't know which outdated magazine or romance novel cover convinced American men that they look sexy with long hair, but fashion savvy women everywhere need to put the kibosh on that notion immediately. There's a reason George Clooney has been named People's sexiest person in the universe a billlion times and it's not because he secures his luscious locks back with a rubberband. Sure, he possessed a fairly shaggy mane when he was on "The Facts of Life," but the magazine never devoted a cover to him back in the 80's. Coincidence? I think not. Jason, if you ever toy with the idea of growing out your lovely brown 'do I will fulfill my friend duties and drag you to the nearest salon to pay a hot stylist to convince you otherwise. No one with a penis should have hair longer than mine. It's gotta' be one or the other and I would hope you'd choose wisely.