Reason 176

DWTS. Liiiiive, it's Dancing with the (pseudo) Stars! Jason, if you ever find your career in the toilet, perhaps working on a musical marionette version of Frankenstein, and ABC comes courting, asking you to cha cha your ass off, I will fully support you joining the show. I would recommend asking which other has-been stars have signed on, though, because if an Olympic athlete is in the mix you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of taking home that coveted mirror ball trophy. Over the years I have spent many an hour being dazzled by sequined C-list celebrities swiveling their hips, but I have never felt compelled to pick up the phone and cast a vote. If you were gliding around the floor in heels and spandex, however, I would throw all of my votes your way without even watching Cheryl and her bumbling partner. Well, if a former New Kid on the Block is competing against you I may have to throw him a bone as a thank you for all the joy he brought me in my tween years, but otherwise my fingers will punch out your number until they're bloody stumps (or I use up all ten of my votes - whichever comes first). Thankfully, you won't have to endure Samantha Harris's painful attempts at cracking unscripted jokes since she was booted for Brooke Burke, arm candy that is mildly less annoying, but you will have to exhibit great restraint to keep from ripping those bizarre head pieces from that one singer's forehead. Actually, that would make for really great television and I bet viewers would vote you all the way to the final round in appreciation. Hmm, maybe you should go call Tom Bergeron right now and let him know you'll show up on the set come 2015.