Reason 160

Mothers. As certifiable as my mom may be at times (she recently purchased 10 pounds of hot dogs to take to Mexico), I love her and am grateful for everything she does for me. Sure we've had some rough patches, like the time she mortified me by trapping me in the car and asking me if hair had started growing 'down there' (I think I was ten), or when she recently called me a stalker for driving down to San Francisco to see a certain someone perform in a couple comedy shows, but she has never beat with wire hangers so I'd say all in all I lucked out in the mom department. I wouldn't trade good ol' Bernie for any other mamasita in the entire world - not even Mrs. Brady, despite her shagged out hair of gold. Besides, no one else could have managed to raise such an intelligent, funny, compassionate woman such as myself. Rest assured, Jason, that I constantly show my appreciation for everything my mother has done for me the past thirty-two years. Almost every Friday I let her pick up the tab at dinner because I know it makes her so happy; I refrain from picking on her if I can tell she is having a low self-esteem day; and I have offered to let her live in my attic rent-free when she is an old lady. For Mother's Day this year I spent a whopping thirty minutes weeding her garden, a chore I detest, and treated her to ice cream at Cold Stone (with a coupon, of course). I truly am a model daughter. Now, if the love and generosity I show my mom isn't enough to convince you, Jason, that we should be friends, you should know that once you and I are BFF's she will always welcome you into her home with open arms as if you had sprung forth from her very own loins. Actually, now that I think about it she may like you more than she does my own brother. I am confident that your mother will like me, too, since moms usually think I am a positive influence on their children (I hide my perverse side well). So, here's a not-so-gentle reminder to call your loving mother as soon as you're done reading this and thank her profusely for suffering through hours of labor and putting up with all the crap you have dished out through the years. And if you happen to wake her up with that call don't place any blame on me. Your mama should have raised you to have more sense than ringing people up in the middle of the night.

A very happy Mother's Day to all of the moms I know!