Reason 190

Investment opportunity. I was walking home from the grocery store earlier this evening and noticed a For Sale sign jammed into the front yard of what used to be the mortuary two blocks from my building. My first thought was "Boy, it sure sucks that another small, locally-owned business tanked" which was followed by "How kick ass would it be to own a former mortuary?!" Yeah, I understand that wouldn't be most people's second (or even thiry-second) thought, but death has never creeped me out. In fact, I find all the rituals surrounding our expiration to be kind of fascinating (for the record, I'd love a Viking funeral). Now, I don't have the cash to purchase a piece of property that size, but I have a feeling, Jason, that you have a mattress stuffed with hundreds in one of the many guest rooms in your mansion and are just waiting for the perfect opportunity to blow all those bills on a worthwhile venture. I think a mortuary-themed restaurant slash cabaret is exactly what my little corner of the universe needs, and I would be more than happy to keep an eye on the place while you're slumming it in the Hollywood Hills. Before dinner the waitstaff could reenact scenes about dead people from beloved movies and TV shows, like My Girl and Six Feet Under, and after the dessert all of the diners could take a cue from Beetlejuice and rock out to the sultry sounds of Harry Belafonte. Each month the restaurant could even spotlight a specific culture's mythology around death and serve food from that part of the world. Be honest - who doesn't crave Mexican food on the Day of the Dead? I think I've struck theme-restaurant gold, Jason. I mean, tasty food, macabre entertainment, and a side order of cultural awareness? Sign me up!

Beetlejuice scene - you know you want to dance!