Reason 195

Dating. Please indulge me a bit, Jason, while I rant about my love life, or rather, my lack thereof. See, I just returned from a first date that will never turn into a second one, and I am feeling somewhat discouraged. For the past few years I have dipped my toes into the pools of people hawking themselves at on-line dating sites and have been consistently disappointed with the temperature of the water. Definitely too tepid. My suspicion that intelligent, funny and single men in their late 20's and early 30's don't actually exist has been reinforced lately by the unique (for lack of a better word) men who have contacted me. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to a real winner, he's a married polyamorist who plays role-playing games in his spare time and would love to spend some time getting to know me. Not quite your thing? Well, how about the creepy massage therapist who can't construct a grammatically correct sentence? Still not sold? Then check out the twenty five year old (yep, seven years my junior) who relies heavily on text-speak and wants to chat, but can't come up with a single, coherent thing to say and is confused by my extremely mysterious user name (Word Nerd seems pretty self-explanatory to me, my friend). I have it from a very reliable source that I am not hideously unattractive, smell strange or come across as a psychopath to strangers, so I'm a tad flummoxed as to why the seemingly normal men I contact online never reply to my charming, well-written messages. Egad, do they see me as some creepy middle school teacher who is mildly obsessed with a sitcom star?! Perhaps I'll edit my profile as soon as I am done with this post. Whatever the reason for my anemic love life, Jason, I would love your help in finding someone who doesn't make me vomit upon first look, can carry on an intelligent conversation about a variety of issues, has a stable job, gets along with his family, and makes me laugh until I pee my pants. That really doesn't seem like too much to ask. So, please start writing a profile for me that will catch the eye of all the eligible men in Seattle. I can't pay you with anything more than delicious, mouth-watering cookies and eternal gratitude, so just think of it as a wonderful writing exercise that may possibly bring lifelong happiness (or at least a second date) to one of your dear friends. Now, get to work!