Reason 205

Best worst movie. On Thursday night I had the good fortune of watching ninety minutes of celluloid that has been deemed the worst American movie ever created - Troll 2. A documentary about the film (I use that term very loosely) and the cult following it has garnered the last twenty years was screened in Seattle last week and after watching it I was compelled to track down a copy of Troll 2 and soak up the schlock in the comfort of my very own living room. Thanks to Netflix my other friend named Jason and I were able to have a little viewing party and I can safely say that Troll 2 is indeed the most fabulously terrible movie I have ever sat through. At least there was Thai food readily available to appease us. Let me give you a brief synopsis so you can grasp the scope of this cinematic dreck. Joshua, who converses with his dead grandfather on a daily basis, is dragged along on a month-long family vacation to the farming town of Nilbog, population 26. For those quick-witted readers out there, yes, Nilbog is 'goblin' spelled backwards. Oh, did I mention that, despite the movie's title, there isn't a single troll in Troll 2? Nope, the villains are little people dressed in burlap sacks and low-budget latex masks to look like goblins. Vegetarian goblins. Oh, wait, it gets worse. Whenever a bumbling tourist strolls into Nilbog the goblins, who can disguise themselves to look like humans, feed the unsuspecting visitor food covered in bright green frosting, which then turns him into some kind of foliage that can be eaten by the veggie-loving monsters. With guidance from dead Grandpa Seth, Josh is able to stop his family from consuming the tainted food (one scene has him urinating on the dinner spread) and then destroy the magical stone that is the source of the goblin's powers. Now, if the brilliant storyline isn't enough to convince you to sacrifice an hour and a half of your life, there is also amateur acting, cliched horror movie music, choppy cinematography, and unnatural lines that would never escape a normal person's lips. Oh, and a super rad dance scene. So, Jason, if you haven't already raced out the door to locate your own copy of Troll 2 I would be thrilled to welcome you into the cult. I'll even provide you with a meat tray in case you need to fend off any vegetarian goblins lurking about. I got your back, Jason.