Reason 200

Toilet paper. Upon first thought, the quality of toilet paper we use may not seem too important, but if you have ever used the facilities at an elementary school that only trusts their students to use a single square of tissue at a time or a restaurant that is so cheap that their TP is almost transluscent, you understand that what we wipe our naughty bits with can make or break someone's entire mood. Over the course of your lifetime, Jason, you will spend around 3 years sitting on a toilet, and I bet you would prefer to spend that time fondling double-ply, cotton-soft, cutely-patterned paper over the kind that is so scratchy it can give unsuspecting users paper cuts. I avow, here and now, that every time you use the loo at my humble abode there will be a fat roll of extra-absorbent, pillowy paper just waiting to be spun off that multi-purpose cardboard roll by one very tall, comedic actor. I don't scrimp when it comes to my toilet paper purchases because my nose, face, and baby-making area deserve all the tenderness available from the good people at Angelsoft. So, never fear, Jason; when you answer nature's call in my house it will always be a pleasant experience. I cannot guarantee, however, that the cleanliness of my bathroom will be quite as inviting. Clearly, I have my priorities straight.